Funny Jokes for Guys Named Mike
"Mom, I'm dating a man."
"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
​
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...
'He's like a fish out of water.'
'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'
'No, I mean he's dead.'
-Mike Close-
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
What do "Jingle Bells" sung by Mike Tyson and a green and red g-string have in common?
They're both Christmith Thongs.
What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money ...
but doesn't understand maths.
- Mike Birbiglia
Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?
He was invited to thunday math.
What did Mike Tyson say when he saw Breaking Bad?
That's methed-up!
Two Men in a Country Club...
Two men in a country club are in the locker room getting undressed. Bob, asks Mike, "How long have you been wearing women's underwear?". Mike answers, "Since my wive found a pair in my car."
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?
It has two bytes and no memory
What do you call Mike Tyson without any arms?
Whatever you want
You can explore mike brian reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mike mic dad jokes. There are also mike puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
what do Mike Tyson and outdoor patios have in common?
They're both roofless.
What happens if Mike Tyson carries around Mjölnir all day?
He gets thor arms!
Why couldn't Mike Tyson go to the laundromat?
Because it was clothed.
I've only seen Magic Mike, can I see Magic Mike XXL...
...or do I need to see the other 28 in between first?
My complete lack of knowledge about Greek mythology has always been my achilles elbow.
thanks, Mike!
I met Mike Tyson and he had his tiger with him. I said, "Wow! I can't believe you actually have a tiger! I thought that was a myth."
He said, "Well you were mythtaken."
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?
Mike Tyson and the son of Odin got into a fight.
They're both thore today.
A man walked into McDonald's and saw a black woman with 8 children running all around her.
"Mike, stop that!" she shouted at one.
"Mike, stop bothering your brother," she yelled at another.
"Mike, how many times do I have to tell you not to pick your nose," she chided yet another.
"I'm sorry ma'am," the man said, "but... are all your boys named Mike?"
"Yes sir," she replied.
"Isn't that confusing?" he asked.
"No, they all have different last names."
What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??
You gonna eat that?
What did Mike Tyson say when he saw mold?
That's growth.
What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs?
Methed Up
Slip of the Tongue
Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing', Joe?"
Joe says, "Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers."
Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it?"
Mike shouts down stairs -, "Hey, Joe, both of 'em?"
Joe shouts back, "of course, both of 'em!" What's the point of fuckin' one?"
Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...
I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.
Why does Mike Tyson refuse to buy playstation ?
Because he is an x-boxer
Open Mike Night sounded like a lot of fun...
... Until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy
Mike Pence doesn't believe in science
But he wants to use electricity to turn fruits into vegetables
People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.
I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.
David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.
He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"
David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"
Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."
"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."
Donald Trump and Mike Pence are on a plane...
Suddenly Mike Pence says "I can throw 100 dollars out of the plane and make 100 people happy".
Donald says "I can throw 1000 dollars out of the plane and make 1000 people happy".
The pilot over heard this and said, "I can throw both of you out of this plane and make the whole country happy."
Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.
Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten? Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. You see, no one cares about the Muslims.
Donald Trump and Mike Pence are running around the White House…
After they finish their lap they check their stopwatch which says 10:38,Mike Pence asks if thats a white house record, Trump says no Bush did 9:11
Mike Tyson had something to tell me...
So I lent him an ear.
i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke
Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".
Guy: Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.
Guy 2: And since when is Mike your best friend?
Guy: Yesterday.
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
Why did Mike Tyson cross the road?
To get to the other thide
Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...
His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."
Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"
How did Mike Tyson open the door to alcoholism?
Withkey.
Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem?
He was quoted as saying "I won't stand for this" on the way out
Two couples are getting bored with their sex lives, so they decide to swap partners
After a night of wild passionate sex, Mike wakes up, rolls over, kisses his new lover, and says, "Last night was absolutely mind-blowing! Come on. Let's go see how the ladies made out."
I don't normally go out, but Open Mike Night sounded fun.
Then we got to the morgue.
*mikedrop
Where do DJ's go for information?
They go to Wiki-wiki-wikipedia.
Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."
Pence says, "The fewer".
Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."
Y'all hear that Reese whatever her name is stabbed herself?
Dave: Witherspoon?
Mike: Nah, with a knife.
Mike joins a new school.
After school is over he returns home to his mother.
Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?
Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.
Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?
Mike: What school?
Mike Tyson recently recovered from a meth overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.
When asked about the full story, he responded with,
"I was really methed up at the time"
John: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike."
James: "Since when is Mike your best friend?"
John: "Since yesterday."
Jack goes to his friend Mike
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
Why does Mike Pence keep all of his clothes in drawers?
Because he can't stand anything coming out of the closet.
Its unfortunate that Avicii died but
At least Mike Posner can pop pills in ibiza and not have to worry about impressing anyone.
Mike Tyson was arrested at a 5th grade sitting bee his first time judging
The word was Dictate.
[Spelling Bee Contestant] Can you use it in a sentence?
[Mike Tyson] She liked the way my Dictate
What does Mike Tyson say after a good workout with the Avengers?
I'm Thor.
Abortion bill
Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President
Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"
How does Mike Tyson like his bath?
Grilled.
What do you call Mike Tyson on amphetamines?
Methed Up.
Everyone was excited at the autopsy club...
It was open Mike night.
Two drunk friends were talking in a bar.
Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.
Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?
Man 1: Since yesterday.
Everyone was excited
Everyone was excited at Autopsy Club.
Apparently, it was open Mike night.
Mike Pence walks into the doctor's office with a fly on his head
The doc asks: What the hell happened to you?
The fly says: I think, I stepped into something.
How do you think the unthinkable ?
With an itheberg.
Btw.. every single person i've ever told this joke to said they didn't get it or that it wasn't funny.. why am I the weirdo that finds it funny? And why am I picturing Mike Tyson?
Obv not my joke I heard it on Come Dine With Me
If your name is Mike please let me know below
*edit, this concludes the Mike check.
Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.
Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.
Trump: We have the most cases because we have the most tests. If we tested less, we'd have less cases.
Pence: Fewer.
Trump: Mike, I told you not to call me that in public.
What do Chris Hemsworth and Mike Tyson have in common after a workout?
They're both Thor.
Why did Mike Tyson have to cancel his big fight with Chris Hemsworth?
He was Thor.
Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office
The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"
The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."
The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"
The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache Day!"
Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday...
They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over.
I think I missed Mike ache day.
Did you hear that Mike Tyson just got a job at Amazon?
He just really wanted to be a professional boxer again.
Excuse me, but is anyone in here named Michael?
I'm just doing a Mike check.
What did Mike Tyson say about the drug problem in Michigan?
This place is all methed up!
Autopsy club tonight at 8pm
It's open Mike night
Due to the lack of space, the city morgue and the comedy club will be in the same building
This Friday is open Mike night.
coffee
You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!"
Grandpa Mike died this weekend.
He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster. In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days. He will be mist.
Mike Tyson said he was going to convert me to atheism
At least I'm pretty sure that's what he meant by "I'm gonna break your faith!"
Mike Tyson is SO religious
That he punches people in the faith.
What did Mike Tyson say when I showed him my mold collection?
Growth.
What does Mike Tyson do when his boat has a big hole in it?
First he thinks for a while.. then he dethides to thwim.
Autopsy club meeting Saturday!
Its open Mike night.
Mike Tyson gets really upset if you talk to him about Norse mythology.
It's a Thor subject.
Mike Tyson starts a club to dispute the fundamental rules of mathematics
He names it: The Math Debate Club
There was a lot of confusion in their first meeting.
What can't Mike Tyson peel oranges?
He gets pithed off.
What do you call a boxer who vacuums?
Mike Dyson
Where is Mike?
On a Monday morning, Paul, Mike's job's teammate, noticed Mike was not around and asked the project manager
'Where is Mike'
Upon which the manager replied
'He is in the hospital'
Paul having just seen Mike yesterday asked in confusion
'But I saw Mike yesterday dancing with a girl.'
The manager looked at him and said
'Yeah, his wife saw him tooooo.'
The autopsy club has a meeting this Friday.
It's Open Mike Night.
Source: https://jokojokes.com/mike-jokes.html
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